


Commiserations

by ioanite



Series: The Misadventures of the Cancelled Ioan Characters Brigade [1]
Category: Fantastic Four (Movieverse), Hornblower (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 20:05:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1197771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioanite/pseuds/ioanite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A scientist and a sailor walk into a bar...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Commiserations

**Author's Note:**

> This was written sometime in 2009, when it was first announced that the Fantastic Four movies were being rebooted, hence the "two years" line. The sentiment, however, still stands.
> 
> Also, there are vague spoilers for incidents that took place in the comics.

“I can’t believe how fickle Hollywood is!” Reed Richards said, setting down his fifth glass of beer, “They want to tell the Fantastic Four’s story over again, and it hasn’t even been two years since they last attempted it! And worse, they want to make it darker! They’ll probably wind up making me some sort of arrogant asshole.”

“Richards, you _are_ an arrogant asshole.”

Reed looked balefully at the man sitting next to him. “Shut up.”

“What, no snappy comeback? Oh wait, that’s not your style. Still, I expected some sort of insult that gave you an excuse to show off your large vocabulary.”

“You _do_ realize that I could hit you from halfway across the room.”

“I know,” Horatio Hornblower answered, smirking, “And I know that if you tried to hit me right now, when I’m two feet away, you’d lose your balance and fall off the bar stool. So I feel safe.”

“For your information,” Reed continued, swaying slightly, “I am not an arrogant asshole.”

“You’re right. I forgot to add the word ‘neglectful’ in there.”

Reed groaned. Horatio sipped at his own drink (the first, and probably only, one of the night) and started ticking things off on his fingers. “Let’s see, you spend half your time in your lab and ignore your wife and family. That’s neglectful. You call yourself ‘Mr. Fantastic’ and think you’re the smartest man in the world, when you’re almost always routinely baffled by the things you encounter and have powers that basically make you a human slinky. That’s arrogant. And you pushed for a superhuman registration act, built a murderous robot, imprisoned dissenters in the Negative Zone, and put your son into a coma. I’m not sure ‘asshole’ even _begins_ to cover that.”

“Yes, well _you_ cheated on your wife three different times. I’ve always been loyal to Sue.”

“I’m a sailor, Richards. It was practically expected of me. And I wouldn’t get so high and mighty about the loyalty thing; either it means that you spend so much time in your lab that you’ve never encountered temptation, much less human contact, or it means that most girls think you’re too old for them. _I_ was still finding lovers in my forties, and I looked a lot worse than you. Also, I didn’t have a—shall we say—self-enhancing package.”

Reed sighed heavily. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you, Hornblower?”

“Damn straight I am.”

Reed rolled his eyes and called for another drink. Horatio sipped his drink again. “What are you whining about anyway, Richards? You’re just worried they’re going to ruin your image. If they don’t, you’ll cheerfully go along with it and never look back. I don’t have that luxury.”

“And if you did? Wouldn’t you do the same?”

“Perhaps. But I honestly believe that I wouldn’t be able to let go of the miniseries. That show was almost perfect. I don’t think anyone has ever come as close to capturing my personality as Ioan has. And until he’s gone for good, I won’t be able to fully accept anyone else.”

“You’re just jealous that he was more successful with me than he was with you.”

“Bite your tongue, Richards!” Horatio snapped, “You had two movies with him. I had eight episodes with him, and there have been more re-releases of our series than I care to count.”

“I’m still more popular than you will ever be.”

“Richards, you sound like a high school diva queen. And you’re only popular because Marvel feels you and your family need to be updated to suit the times. Hence this reboot.”

“I can see it’s useless arguing with you,” Reed said, knocking back his drink, “So I’m going to start insulting you instead. Can I just point out that in all the fanfiction out there, you’re practically a whore? Almost all your stories violate Article 29.”

 “True,” Horatio answered, a slight flush in his cheek, “But if it keeps interest in the series alive, I’ll take it. Besides, I’m generally paired up with people I care about as friends. I’ve seen stories that pair you up with your arch-nemesis.”

“Well, those fangirls are just sick. Doom would kill me first.”

“If you’re going to be popular, you have to accept that fans are going to do insane things to your person. And that includes hooking you up with your brother-in-law while you’re still married.”

Now Reed was the one blushing. Horatio smiled. “Shots exchanged, more damage done to your vessel. Care to reload?”

“At least I know when to let go. You’ve been mooning after Ioan ever since they cancelled your series!”

Horatio raised his eyebrows. “Back to that, are we?”

“Other than nudity and slash, it’s your defining characteristic nowadays.”

“I don’t deny that I’m a little obsessive,” Horatio answered calmly, “But you have to see where I’m coming from. You and Ioan got closure; the last movie ends with the promise of a new beginning. That was something I never got. If I’d gotten it, I’d have been willing to just linger in the background, hoping for more, but content with what I had. And with Ioan going around claiming that he wants to make a proper film about me, I can’t help but get my hopes up sometimes.”

“That still doesn’t give you the right to rail on and on about his decision to play me.”

“Think of me as a critic. I know he’s capable of much better work. Besides, what was that he said? Oh, yes; ‘Playing a superhero in a spandex suit has allowed me to come back to what I do best.’”

Reed was starting to turn scarlet. “Second shot, right into your hull,” Horatio said, “Got anything else?”

“You’re not going to let up on this, are you?”

“I’m just getting back at you for that ‘I’m better than you’ stunt you pulled when _Rise of the Silver Surfer_ was about to be made and you ran into me. You knew I was feeling fragile after finding out that there was no truth to the rumor of a Hornblower film, and you started boasting about how much money the first film made, how much smarter you were, and that Ioan would never go back to the miniseries now that he’d had a taste of _real_ stardom. I nearly challenged you right then and there. Hell, I almost threw a chair at your head. You saw it in my eyes, and you started laughing. So forgive me if I feel you deserve a taste of your own medicine.”

Reed growled something and drank again. “What was that?” Horatio asked, amused.

“You’re an overprotective bitch.”

“Close enough,” Horatio answered, setting down his glass and tossing a handful of money on the table, “I’ll pay for drinks. Drink yourself into a stupor.” He stood up. “One last thing, Richards. I may be overprotective, but at least I won Ioan an award for best actor. I think when all is said and done, I’ll be the one who’s more fondly remembered.”

Before Reed could respond, Horatio had grabbed his cloak and swept out the door.


End file.
